This is something I’ve been holding deep inside me for well over a decade, something I have never talked about publicly or hardly to anyone for that matter. And as I type this now, I am actually feeling quite nervous and wondering if I should click the Share button. But watching ‘Athlete A’, the Netflix documentary on sexual abuse, of young girls stirred something in me.
Coincidentally his name was brought up randomly in a conversation recently… that he had passed on a few months ago.
This raised a mix of feelings within me – I wanted to feel sorry to hear about his passing but at the same time this wave of rage blew over me when I recalled what he did to me. Am I allowed to not feel sorry? Why do I feel some guilt for not feeling sorry? A part of me wanted to cheer, another part of me is angry at myself for not doing anything about it and now he’s gone.
In my early 20s, I was sexually assaulted by someone of authority, someone I respected and looked up to. I remember being scared, helpless and begging him to stop.
In the days, weeks and months to come, I felt confused and for a while I was even resistant to intimacy… I wouldn’t even let anyone hug me. When I close my eyes, his perverted face would haunt me.
I was afraid to report because I was worried no one would believe me as I had no proof, I was afraid that it would affect my reputation and that I’ll be judged, I was afraid of letting my family and friends know.
In the end I chose to let it slide, buried it deep within the archives of my memories, because I didn’t want to remember it. At some point you just pretend it never happened.
Why choose to speak about it now? I am not ashamed of it anymore, although I hesitated for a long time if I should share this, and I hope this can give courage to any victims, to step forward and not be afraid. It’s not right to be treated like that and not right to let someone do this to you.
My perpetrator has passed on and I am struggling to find forgiveness… but that is my battle to fight. Everyone has battles they don’t talk about; I hope this gives you strength.
…it is not impossible to walk out of the shadows; don’t let the past affect your future. You have a whole life waiting ahead for you!
I felt really liberated after opening up to share about that traumatising experience. Over the years I parked it deep into the recesses of my brain and when someone brought up his name suddenly, telling me that he just passed away a few months back, the incident flashed through my mind before I could stop it.
Although I feel conflicted about how to react to the news of his passing, I guess you can say I have found some kind of closure, some kind of peace. And really, I just want to send strength and courage to other victims. There is nothing to be ashamed or afraid of.
Back then, this incident made it harder for me to love my body as I was struggling with my eating disorders and low self-esteem. But it is not impossible to walk out of the shadows; don’t let the past affect your future. You have a whole life waiting ahead for you!
I’ve never been prouder of my body, complete with thicc thighs, cellulite, stretch marks and at the moment, this huge ass bruise lol. It has taken me through so much and seen me through some tough times, but when the going gets tough, the tough just gets tougher.